Little Lard Monsters

Last night I made a pie. Today I can’t stop eating it. I’m fully obsessed with the crust, because even though it was a Peach and Strawberry Pie that was pretty wet from the fruit, the crust is the kind of amazing that flakes when you look at it, stayed crisp despite the filling it covers, and has hills of deep gold with pale, tender valleys. Everyone has a favorite crust recipe, but there is a universal secret to crusts that I’ve recently discovered, and have no problem sharing: crusts are much better when neglected. Forget pastry blending the fat (lard, in my case) into the flour until it is like little rice grains, because biggish lumps of butter or lard will melt when it bakes and become amazing flakiness. Don’t even think about mixing in the (ice cold) water until the dough is smooth. Don’t do it! You will be so much happier, and the crust so much lighter if you just stir it around a few times to get most of the flour wet, and then slide the whole bowl in the refrigerator for a few hours to chill.

When the time comes to form the crust, don’t roll and roll it until it is smashed into the counter top. Just coax it thin with your rolling pin and a dusting of flour. Yes, you will see those big lumps of butter and lard. That’s a good thing! Make sure that you keep the other half cold until you have the bottom crust filled because you don’t want the lard getting soft while it waits. After you roll the top go ahead and creatively carve some vents before you place it over the filling. Then seal the edges however you want and give the top a little massage to exaggerate the natural hills and valleys from your filling. It will be the prettiest thing you’ve seen come out of your oven all day.

Now I have a dilemma. At this point I’ve got the trimmings lying on the counter from the extra bits of edge, already rolled once. It’s no good for another pie, but it’s a shame to throw something so tasty in the compost. But, on the other hand, I hate the look of the after-thought-thrown-on-a-cookie-sheet baked crust pieces. So I bravely and barely rolled the little mass out once more. We mysteriously have funny little animal-shaped cookie cutters that the kids think are hilarious. And I have to admit that a hippopotamus shaped cookie is very funny. Stamped out hippo lard crust is just as funny. After they were sprinkled with a bit of sugar and dusted with a bit of cinnamon, the little lard monsters were ready to be baked.

Naturally, they were ready long before the pie. Just as naturally, they got all the attention. Looking like a cookie, tasting like a pastry, lasting as long as bacon at breakfast, the lard monsters were a fantastic hit. I didn’t even have time to take a picture of the charming little herd of hippos, but I know I’ll get another chance because there has been an official request for a whole zoo of lard monsters. Next time I make a neglected pie crust, my dears.